Monday, January 20, 2014

Mondays with Martha

When it comes to dating and finding The One; Is what you're doing working or not working? I've been there when the love you thought would last forever, didn't. I know first-hand the challenges of brushing yourself off and getting back out again. Read on ........  
Dating at any age  
Jody-Anne Lawrence, Gleaner Writer

A break-up is never an easy thing to go through. But for some women, it is more difficult to re-enter the dating world.Depending on how their last relationship ended, most women try not to think about another one, and find ways to keep themselves busy. You start to make commitments to your jobs and hobbies but sooner or later, its time to re-enter the dating world. 
What then?                                                                               

But the dating scene is different for all women. According to relationship counsellor Sheldon Givans, "Women in their 20s and 30s, take break-ups with some resentment. Some feel like they have gone through everything, but life is a journey," he explained. He noted that after that break-up, some of these young people tend to give up on relationships in general.

Some of the problems that women have when looking for a spouse is they are seeking someone that gives them a sense of security rather than a connection. He recommended that after a break-up and before re-entering the dating scene, one should do a self-evaluation.

"Recognize and accept where you went wrong. Think of where you went wrong, instead of blaming the other person for the break-up, and work on you," Givans advised. He added that when looking for that 'Mr Right' after everything has gone wrong, individuals should date someone they are connected to.

"Avoid basing your relationship on sex and the physical, because that is not what your relationship should be about. Find someone you are connected to - not a physical connection, but an emotional one. You should be gravitated to them based on conversation and something more meaningful."

Dating and children

When a relationship has failed, and children are involved, women tend to become even more cautious.

While the expert understands the natural reaction to protect herself and her children, he does not believe that this should be an excuse for one to put their lives on hold.

"Give people a chance, because there are still good men out there. Still be cautious and leave room for breathing space, but do not let a good guy pass you by because you are afraid to move on," Givans advised.

However, he cautions not bringing the guy to meet the children unless you are sure that they are interested in him and are sure that he is someone you want to have around your children. 

"If the children don't necessarily take to the person, a parent should accept that. Remember that they might see things that you can't, because they are not the one in love. Also, most children won't take to a new partner easily. They have been through a lot, just like you have. Just think how they might feel. Do not force them, and give them time to accept it," said Givans. 

Dating in your 40s and 50s 

As you get older, the dating rules change. Unlike women in their 20s and 30s who might be seeking some financial stability, someone in their 40s and 50s will be seeking more of a companion.

"They have gone through it all. They have been through the arguments and the sex - all they want is that intimacy," highlighted Givans.

But most women in this age group fall victim to comparisons. They try to compare the past spouse to the current one. "If the ex was bad, then if the new one does something there is an instant flashback," Givans noted.

"If you are widowed and he was a good husband, they tend to use the ex as a benchmark."

Neither of these are necessarily good or bad. Givans added that one must have their standards, but should not have everything so strict that you give a good person up because you are busy looking for the same person you have lost.

After a break-up and before re-entering the dating scene, one should do a self-evaluation.

Dating/Relationship Mentoring Services offered by Martha's Singles. 

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