Monday, January 27, 2014

Mondays with Martha

In the last month or so, I've had several conversations with single men and women around the same question. "How come I'm not meeting anyone?"
Some of them continue to do what's not working but somehow believe it will work. Others, especially singles over 45, really want to meet others but no one would have a clue.

My latest Topic to be discussed at the next "Social  Circles" is about Flirting and other ways to connect. Many women today are aggressive and not giving the man a chance to make or not make his move. I've had women argue with me that at dance parties etc. they ask the men to dance. The man may or may not dance with them but usually nothing comes of it. Or if it does the man gets used to you taking the lead and you become the man in the relationship. If a man is interested and you're approachable he will ask you.

Then, there are the men especially the older ones who will ask women to dance but ask the wrong women. If you're going for much younger women, you may get turned down. OK, take a chance. But do you just want just a dance or more? 

There are the single women who are definitely interested in dating but carry themselves in a way that comes off as unapproachable. Their affect and contained personality say to men "stay away". When they really want to say "come my way". No one likes rejection, including men, so carry yourself in a relaxed friendly manner.

We continually want to do things our way even if it doesn't work. It's like wanting to lose weight but still wanting to eat whatever you want to eat.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Mondays with Martha

When it comes to dating and finding The One; Is what you're doing working or not working? I've been there when the love you thought would last forever, didn't. I know first-hand the challenges of brushing yourself off and getting back out again. Read on ........  
Dating at any age  
Jody-Anne Lawrence, Gleaner Writer

A break-up is never an easy thing to go through. But for some women, it is more difficult to re-enter the dating world.Depending on how their last relationship ended, most women try not to think about another one, and find ways to keep themselves busy. You start to make commitments to your jobs and hobbies but sooner or later, its time to re-enter the dating world. 
What then?                                                                               

But the dating scene is different for all women. According to relationship counsellor Sheldon Givans, "Women in their 20s and 30s, take break-ups with some resentment. Some feel like they have gone through everything, but life is a journey," he explained. He noted that after that break-up, some of these young people tend to give up on relationships in general.

Some of the problems that women have when looking for a spouse is they are seeking someone that gives them a sense of security rather than a connection. He recommended that after a break-up and before re-entering the dating scene, one should do a self-evaluation.

"Recognize and accept where you went wrong. Think of where you went wrong, instead of blaming the other person for the break-up, and work on you," Givans advised. He added that when looking for that 'Mr Right' after everything has gone wrong, individuals should date someone they are connected to.

"Avoid basing your relationship on sex and the physical, because that is not what your relationship should be about. Find someone you are connected to - not a physical connection, but an emotional one. You should be gravitated to them based on conversation and something more meaningful."

Dating and children

When a relationship has failed, and children are involved, women tend to become even more cautious.

While the expert understands the natural reaction to protect herself and her children, he does not believe that this should be an excuse for one to put their lives on hold.

"Give people a chance, because there are still good men out there. Still be cautious and leave room for breathing space, but do not let a good guy pass you by because you are afraid to move on," Givans advised.

However, he cautions not bringing the guy to meet the children unless you are sure that they are interested in him and are sure that he is someone you want to have around your children. 

"If the children don't necessarily take to the person, a parent should accept that. Remember that they might see things that you can't, because they are not the one in love. Also, most children won't take to a new partner easily. They have been through a lot, just like you have. Just think how they might feel. Do not force them, and give them time to accept it," said Givans. 

Dating in your 40s and 50s 

As you get older, the dating rules change. Unlike women in their 20s and 30s who might be seeking some financial stability, someone in their 40s and 50s will be seeking more of a companion.

"They have gone through it all. They have been through the arguments and the sex - all they want is that intimacy," highlighted Givans.

But most women in this age group fall victim to comparisons. They try to compare the past spouse to the current one. "If the ex was bad, then if the new one does something there is an instant flashback," Givans noted.

"If you are widowed and he was a good husband, they tend to use the ex as a benchmark."

Neither of these are necessarily good or bad. Givans added that one must have their standards, but should not have everything so strict that you give a good person up because you are busy looking for the same person you have lost.

After a break-up and before re-entering the dating scene, one should do a self-evaluation.

Dating/Relationship Mentoring Services offered by Martha's Singles. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Social Circles Tues. Jan. 21st

Guys and Gals 30 + Don't Miss "Social Circles" a FREE Event happening the third Tuesday night of every month.
Join us at the Southampton Free Library, 
947 Street Rd @ 6pm. Snacks and beverages provided! 

This month's Topic "Flirting and other ways to connect" Call Martha # 215-584-0188 
Visit website

Monday, January 6, 2014

Mondays with Martha

Lots of Singles are asking me about on-line dating sites. Read on....
Find a dating app that matches your needs
By The Washington Post  Published: Friday, Jan. 3, 2014, 8:57 p.m.
Details: A guide to the ratings
Goal: What kind of relationship are you seeking? From casual to committed, rated 1-5
Preparation: How much work are you willing to do when you join? From very little to lengthy questionnaires, rated 1-5
Face-to-face: How soon do you want to meet? From immediately or after much back-and-forth, rated 1-5
Matches: How many matches do you want per day? From one or unlimited, rated 1-5

“Are you seeing anyone?”
Perhaps you heard that inquiry from a well-meaning aunt, cousin or yenta-of-some-relation over a recent holiday meal.
If the answer was “No, but I'm looking,” your phone is a good place to search.
Before a dating app can help you find the right match, though, you have to find the right match in a dating app. And there's a growing number of options to sort out.
To streamline your quest, we looked at six popular apps and considered whether its users are typically looking for a serious commitment, the time required to set up a profile, how long the “courtship” period lasts before users meet and the number of daily matches that are delivered.
OkCupid is one of the largest free online dating sites, boasting more than 4 million active users. Created by a group of Harvard mathematicians and launched in 2004, OkCupid matches daters using a special algorithm generated by user activity and answers to questions.
In 2009, the site launched OkTrends, a data-driven blog that explores online dating trends based on what was learned from millions of OkCupid user interactions (example: “How your race affects the messages you get”). It has received more than 1 million views. OkCupid was acquired for $50 million in 2011 by IAC, which operates the dating site
Rating: Goal 4, Preparation 3, Face-to-face 3, Matches 5 

It took moving to New York as a postgrad for Michael Waxman to realize how easy he had it in college when it came to finding dates and making friends. In 2011, he founded the group-date app Grouper. Users sign up through Facebook and pick a trio of friends; Grouper plans a meeting with a set of three other friends at a local bar.
Each date costs $20 per person and includes one round of drinks at the establishment, which is selected by Grouper. Fun is the main priority, Waxman stresses. So daters looking for a party atmosphere will be pleased. Those looking for a quieter, one-on-one interaction might feel overwhelmed. The average age of Groupers is 26, and nearly all have a bachelor's degree.
Rating: Goal 2, Preparation 1, Face-to-face 1, Matches 1 

Tinder, launched in 2012, is a free app that searches for singles based on the user's location. Tinder is linked to Facebook, so users can easily upload head shots from their account and are able to see shared friends and interests. The premise is pretty superficial: Users make snap judgments based on photos, swiping right to approve a potential match and left to bypass one.
Notifications about matches aren't sent unless both users approve of each other, so it's good for those with a fear of rejection. The site has, on average, 5 million new matches and 400 million profile ratings per day. The biggest audience is 18- to 24-year-olds, co-founder Justin Mateen said. It's easy to download, and there's no extensive profile required, which has made it popular among college students — and, perhaps, those less interested in devoting time to dating.
Rating: Goal 3, Preparation 1, Face-to-face 3, Matches 5 

Coffee Meets Bagel
Coffee Meets Bagel's founders — sisters Arum and Dawoon Kang, both 30, and Soo Kang, 33 — thought the online dating market lacked something: products that really understand the way women want to date. Women “hate wasting money or time on dating products,” Dawoon said, “and ... we look for not necessarily marriage but meaningful connections.”
The app's setup is simple: It uses Facebook networks to match potential dates (friends-of-friends matches are 37 percent more likely to result in mutual interest than nonfriends-of-friends matches). Users fill out a pretty bare-bones profile, with some multiple-choice questions about religion, ethnicity and age range, plus a few prompts, such as “I appreciate when a date is ... ” completed in 150 characters or fewer.
Then, every day at noon, users get a “bagel,” or match. Coffee Meets Bagel also sets up a private line to allow text messaging without revealing personal phone numbers. Matches expire after 24 hours, so thumb-twiddlers need not apply. The site launched last year with 200 of the Kangs' friends and grew through word of mouth. It now has 150,000 users nationwide. That user base skews smart, young and professional.
Rating: Goal 4, Preparation 2, Face-to-face 2, Matches 1 

Grindr, a free app designed exclusively for single “gay, bisexual and curious” men, according to the site, helped launch the geosocial dating app trend back in 2009. Grindr locates potential matches based on geographic proximity; users judge each other based primarily on head shots. The niche app tops 1.2 million active users who exchange more than 30 million messages daily.
Rating: Goal 3, Preparation 1, Face-to-face 2, Matches 5 

Hinge aims to connect Facebook users to a pool of their friends' friends. The app — available in New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Washington — creates a profile by pulling names, recent photos and “likes” from Facebook, to which users — mostly in their late 20s and early 30s — can append self-selected “personality tags.” Each day at noon, users receive a set of five to seven potential matches (who each share a Facebook friend with the user), along with a prompt to give a “heart” or an “X” to each match. Mutual hearts result in an introduction e-mail from Hinge, complete with a location suggestion for a first date.
Rating: Goal 3, Preparation 2, Face-to-face 3, Matches 2